SAY THANK YOU DAD, MOM
Several
years into social gerontology practice in Bangalore, I helped adult children of my
generation manage the myriad challenges of caring for aged parents. These long
years I had the privileges of meeting women and men across the country about
their struggles and successes. To fortify my assumptions, I did a study among
the young people and the results were pointing to one fact, ‘when it comes to
aged care, majority are clueless and ill-prepared’.
That now
strikes me as a glaring omission, especially when this generation goes in
detail to the extent of triviality when it comes to many other things. As
parents get older, attempts to hold on to their independence is natural but can
be at odds with even ‘suggestion’ from the adult child. Elderly parents want to
be cared about, but fear being cared for. Striking a balance without hurting
the sentiments is not an easy task.
So what
are aging parents looking for in relationships with their adult children? While
exploring the issue, the participants in a senior citizens group recently
expressed strong desire to maintain autonomy and connection in relation with
their adult children, mostly leading to ambivalence because both parties never
discussed the expectations.
A daughter
vehemently narrates her helplessness, ‘ I told my father not to go out for
walks and errands because of his Parkinson’s and slight dementia, you assume
that he’ll listen. It’s nothing but caution. But his response will be to go
out. It’s away of holding on to a life that seems to be slipping away’. This is
typical of many adult children.
But her story is also an eye-opener
of a trend almost certain to escalate in the future: a growing population of
the aged, particularly those over 80’s, a large proportion of whom are kept
expensively alive by medical advances but who are often in bad shape. Perhaps a
majority of those now moving into old age will also do so without adequate
financial support from pensions or personal savings. At some point of time, we
all sort of accept that a daughter or son will start becoming a parent to his
or her parent. Are you prepared for this role reversal?
Caring for an ageing parent
is a wonderful way to say ‘Thank You’ to Mom and Dad.
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