How Long we Tolerate the Parental Stubbornness ?
Soumya Nair
‘At this age we are a nuisance to others. They are doing their
best. Why can’t you behave nicely’, a
gentle reminder from 82 year old Vasudevan to his fellow inmate in our care
home. 76 year old Seethamma is wheel
chair bound past 3 years and lives in our care facility. A retiree from the
agricultural university as a professor made her think that others are all
subservient to her whims and fancies. Her
‘arrogance’ has illuminated her personality into a person whom no one can no
longer bear to be around. She has again managed to alienate everyone around her
with her insults and insensitivity. She is nasty and uncooperative with the
aids (who are wonderful) and complains, complains, complains about everyone,
everything and blames everyone for even the air she breathes.
Many of our client’s grown up children who come for counseling
complain about Parental stubbornness. Adult children are finding that father doesn’t
always know best when it comes to his driving, diet, housing, caregiving,
health, medication or other important issues.
Meera Jagannathan, a
46-year-old program analyst currently living in Ocean, NJ, is thinking of
writing a book on parental stubbornness. Her parents were living in an upscale
area in Indiranagar with all the possible support systems. “What made them sell
the house in Indiranagar is still a mystery. They never consulted with me or my
sister before this crucial decision. We begged them to move near to another house which
has ground floor rooms instead they moved into an apartment complex to the 2nd
floor. They invested wrongly and now their finances also in a mess. My mother
is wheel chair bound, due to arthritis past several years. They refused to pay decent salaries to
domestic helps so nobody stays with them more than one month’.
My parents’ life decisions
have greatly impacted me and I am very resentful,” says Meera Jagannathan. “I
love my mother, but I am at my wit’s end. My father somehow is a reasonable
person but my mother’s decisions are supreme. I can’t even begin to tell you
how many times my husband and I have suggested options to improve my parents’
quality of life and they have turned us down. I feel like we could open a
senior care business like you or write a book, weighing the options because of
all the programs, aid and other things we have looked into for them. My elderly mother is becoming mean, hateful and
unreasonable. How can I deal with this?”
As a social gerontology
consultant, past several years, Judith Parnes (NJ) concedes it as a knotty
issue. But it is real and a growing
concern, like Meera’s mother’s behavior and that of other older adults who
insist on acting a certain way and, as a result, are labeled as stubborn
personalities. Judy started learning how aging parents often respond to advice
or help from their adult children by “insisting, resisting or persisting in
their ways or opinions.”
"My mother is driving me
crazy!" The oft-repeated phrase is uttered (or screamed) by caregivers everywhere
who are caring for elderly parents. As social gerontologists we come across
many such harassed adult children detailing about their perils and struggles of
dealing with the difficult behavior of their aged parents. Those
of us who are caring for old parents are often bewildered by the crazy
unrealistic attitude and decisions -- and by their seemingly stubborn refusal
to follow any advice. We shake our heads over their obsession with the past,
their caution, and the snail pace with which they make decisions and move
through the world. As much as we love our parents, dealing with them can often
be fraught with tension and frustrating, as we try to bridge a communications
gap as yawning as any we've experienced with rebellious toddlers or teenagers.
Most of us give-up after many attempts.
How to deal with them and
their scripted predicament? Dodging is not a solution. We cannot allow the
situations to snowball. Our Past experiences as practicing social
gerontologists, taught us that there is no middle path, either we go with them
or we enforce a new code of conduct in old age. Can we yield to their
unrealistic demands, lest we allow them to harm themselves.
Many old parents try
doing things which they are not supposed to do. Ram Iyer is hyper active even
in his 80’s and disregarding his infirmity he climbed up a small tree to prune
it. It was his nemesis. Unfortunately his body did not comply with his mind. He
felt giddy and suffered TBA. ‘Had he been listening to my mother, not to be
adventurous in the later years, he could have avoided this fatality. This
mishap has impacted our lives very badly’, a spasm of anger and pain contorted
Lalitha’s face while explaining the struggle of coma care.
As people age and their health
diminish, their attitudes about life and their care often change drastically.
This can cause your elderly loved ones to start exhibiting pretty bad behavior
that may or may not be directed at you. Age and illness can intensify longstanding personality traits in
some unpleasant ways: An irritable person may become enraged, an impatient
person demanding and impossible to please. Unfortunately, the person taking
care of the elderly parent is often the target.
If you are a caregiver for an
elderly loved one, then you probably have faced the brunt of a few bad behavior
days, but how far? Universally accepted norm is to face it and to accommodate. We have a different confronting approach,
which may be unconventional. As the
primary care giver, you need to express your displeasure and tell them directly
that it is causing pain and uneasiness.
Make the parents understand the unpleasant behavior is causing heartburn
and embarrassment to others and need to have control over it. It is sure that
all these days you listened to them but make them understand it is time to have
a role reversal. We suggest the adult children to be more stern and tough in
their dealings with older parents, on the contrary, a docile approach can only exacerbate.
You are not stony hearted or
uncaring. Indeed you are parenting the parent, so a little bit disciplining is
obligatory.