Are you worried about ageing alone and forlorn, and
then early preparation helps!
ROSHAN
JACOB and SOUMYA NAIR
Are you worried about ageing and living alone? Here’s how to
build a life of peace and happiness – and how to cope with being alone in old
age – whether you’re 65 or 85.
Irony, what else? He looked so forlorn that
Anand’s heart lurched because this is not the same Rao who Anand knew few years
back. People who knew Mr. Rao earlier, cannot comprehend his present plight. Few
years back, Rao used to serve 10000 meals as a corporate caterer. He was a big
timer in the catering industry commanding respect and a much sought after
person by corporates. Those days he had the habit of drinking occasionally, but
the chaos in personal life drive him to become an addict. His wife eloped with
his own nephew, which is sort of unthinkable and unheard. But life sometimes
turns illogical, may be stranger than fiction. He comforts himself on the fact that
while his hey days he was able to educate his son and daughter from the premier
institutions and help them settle abroad. Children, influenced by their mother,
never paid him back.
Anand brought him to us to look after
him. Rao’s twilight is on a heart-rending,
pitiable situation: shattered hopes, no money in the kitty, failing health, no
family or companion. Amongst us, we have
several Rao’s and Ganesan’s whom the community discount as ‘mismanaged lives’. How many of us
are growing older alone? How many of us are concerned over ageing solo, with family
members — if we have them at all — living at too great a distance to be of use,
emotionally or logistically? Whether
by choice or chance, the number of older folks living alone is increasing.
These days a high proportion of older
people live alone and the numbers are growing – though we gloss over, it means
we have looming social problems of epic proportions. Living alone has been
defined as “pathological” by many researchers, associating it with social
isolation, psychiatric disorder and antisocial behavior. In majority of older
adults, all these aspects are true and worrisome.
Why do older people live alone?
Living alone comes about through several different pathways.
People may never have had a spouse or partner; they may have had one but now
they are gone, through dissolution of marriage, separation or death. Some older
people live with others, but have separate activities and identities. These
situations may have come about by choice, but some are unanticipated.
When older people in my social gerontology practice were asked
why they continued to live alone, the predominant responses were “freedom,
choice and control and independence”. Kamala Sivadasan, a widow for 14 years summed
it up – “(living alone) allows me to do what I want, when I want, and how I
want”. This does not sound like a pathological state!
Disadvantages of living alone
Living alone is a bit challenging when especially failing health
and increasing disabilities mean that infirm elders need help from others.
Reduced mobility, may make it harder for them to get out, as will cognitive
impairment. This makes older people more counting on the family and friends,
formal and informal services, reducing the choice and control they enjoyed when
living alone, as well as possibly leading to isolation and loneliness.
A less obvious disadvantage is having the sole responsibility
and burden of decision-making. Our interaction with many elders in the past taught
us the fact that they had no-one to talk to face-to-face, especially when they
had to make critical decisions. They also commented on people taking advantage
of older people living alone – financial abuse by their family, tradesmen, mail
and phone scams, requests for donations.
Having
children is no guarantee of NOT being alone when you’re old
Family
dysfunction is nothing new and it is pronounced and hurting in old age. No matter how many children you have, there’s
no guarantee they’ll want to assist and care you when you need them most.
Mangalabai’s both sons live in US. Her elder son got estranged when he married
a Russian girl. Hostility continued even after 32 years passed and the elder
son never spoken or contacted her. Second son hasn’t talked to this 84 year
mother in over 10 years, and I don’t think that’ll change before his mom dies. This
mother didn’t do anything wrong or bad – she was a stubborn character, but she
certainly doesn’t deserve to be cut out of her son’s and grandchildren’s lives!
As a former bureaucrat’s wife, she is fortunate to have her decent family
pension and imagine the plight without such cushioning. Magalabai, who is now a full-blown
Alzheimer’s patient and staying in our dementia care home is mercifully
oblivious of her destitution.
And,
even if your kids like you, there’s no guarantee they’ll live in the same city,
state, country, or continent as you. Many of our families are scattered across
continents. Family visits are becoming rare, considering the long distances and
the hectic schedules. Biological kids or
not, there is no guarantee you won’t be alone in your old age. Many seniors and
baby boomers are alone even though they have adult children, because their kids
are living their own busy lives. Adult children do not necessarily mean that
older people aren’t alone – their kids may be physically or emotionally unable
or unwilling to be family. So having a
family is no guarantee for an ideal setting in old age,
Create your own “family” and connect with people before it is too late
At 84, Mr. Daniel lives in an apartment complex. He’s a widower
with no children and his infirm elder brother lives in another city, which is
far away. But thanks to a strong support system, he won’t be alone as he ages
and his health inevitably declines.
Being alone “doesn’t scare me because I know that I have
friends,” Daniel said with conviction and faith. He is part of an active church
group and always engaged in their
activities.
Love,
connection, solidarity, and togetherness is what helps alleviate
sad feelings of being alone when you’re old. It doesn’t matter whether or
not you’re alone in your old age as long as you hold on to hope, faith, and
optimism. It is not imperative that you need kin to feel loved, same way
it doesn’t matter you need biological children to feel connected, and you don’t
need family to feel united.
Ganesan, 76, a retiree from the army isn’t as fortunate. His
wife is deceased, leaving him to live by his only son’s house for the first
time in his life.
Ganesan said his daughter in law has made it clear that she will
not be his caregiver in his old age. She made it clear that he is unwelcome in
his son’s house.
“She thought that was too much responsibility for her,” Ganesan
unwillingly accepted his fate. “It’s just devastating and I ended up in this sub
standard old age home.” He regrets the stay in the old age home.
Daniel’s and Ganesan’s, illustrate the opposite ends of a
quandary facing many seniors: Who will take care of us in our frail, declining
years?
Most of us hope that our family will step up and help out. But
for an increasing number of seniors, that option isn’t there. Whether they’re
estranged from family or have never married or had children, more and more
people will find themselves alone as they age and their health declines.
My
experiences as a social gerontologists tells me that having biological kids is
probably no guarantee to ensure you’re not alone as you age! But customarily we
bank on our children for old age security. Mostly they fail us. There are too
many unknowns. What if your child is physically or chronically ill from birth
onwards? What if you outlive your child? What if you get divorced, and your
child prefers your spouse to you? Even if your son/daughter are willing to
support but their spouses disapprove.
If you
don’t want get disappointed in your twilight years, don’t wait till the
advanced years where the society feels you are unfit to be in the company of
others, and that is why middle age is the best time to start making friendships
and building ties that will last long till your end. Instead of counting on kin
to keep you company or take care of you during your twilight years, start
making connections with people you wish were your family. You can choose
your ‘new family’ from a vast and varied background like hobbies, clubs,
churches, interests, communities, etc. Non-family
relationships can be all embracing and easier than family relationships,
because they come without the baggage of the past.
The
challenges of living longer and living alone can be formidable, but there are
lots of creative solutions already helping people across the world. The most important mantra for
coping with the fear of ageing alone is to prepare well in advance. In old age, many of us are orphans or
estranged from our family members but you can create surrogate families and better
support systems in place.
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